It seems children today are offered candy or junk food during or after every activity in which they participate. Where do you draw the line? This is the story of how I’m learning to say no.
Meghan had her first day of school yesterday. (She’s repeating kindergarten at a new school.) I picked her up and she chatted happily the entire ride home, telling me all the details of her day. It was such a relief to have her be happy, such a relief to know she had a good experience.
As mothers, I think it’s our instinct to want to hold on to our little ones, to not let go. Having Meghan start school this year feels like I’m having to let go a little.
It’s a hard line to walk. I want her to go out into the world and be independent, yet I want to protect her and keep her safe. The world is a scary place. There are so many things out there that can hurt her. How can I keep all the bad things away? What do I let her experience on her own and what do I shelter her from?
I’m learning that there are times when I need to let go more and times when I need to hold on tighter.
This summer, Meghan did three activities. She took swimming lessons, tennis lessons, and did a golf camp. Every single one of those activities ended with a sweet treat. Swimming and tennis were ongoing activities and after every lesson the kids were presented with a Dum Dum sucker. The golf camp was only a 3 day event and at the end of each day the kids were given a full-sized candy bar.
Through the years I’ve settled on the philosophy that I will control what foods I buy, but won’t make my kids refuse treats at special occasions like birthday parties. The older Meghan gets, however, the more I realize that those special occasions are not so special. Candy and junk foods are being handed out to my kids for everything they do.
And why do kids need candy after a sport lesson or camp, anyway? What, exactly, is the purpose? To reward the kids? Why do they need a reward for taking a lesson? Isn’t the lesson the reward? It’s a privilege to be able to take a lesson. The kids who are able to take lessons are lucky. Why on earth would they need a piece of candy? It certainly seems to contradict the message of active, healthy living, which I would think any sport lesson should be trying to convey.
The breaking point for me came near the end of the summer. I was sitting with Luke, watching Meghan get her tennis lesson. There was a group of moms, none of whom I know that well. Luke, as a typical two-year-old, was not sitting still and he fell and started crying. The head tennis coach went right for the sucker tub, declaring, “Oh, he needs a sucker!” Don’t get me wrong. His heart was in the right place. But my kid did not need a sucker because he was crying. If I gave him a sucker every time he cried…well let’s just say he’d be eating suckers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He’s two.
The tennis coach went on to say how popular the suckers had been that summer. They’d gone through 1,500 suckers. I wanted to say, “No, shit. Artificially colored sugar’s been a big hit among kids?! You don’t say?!” Instead I just smiled and nodded my head while my two-year-old got a blue mouth from the Blue #2 he was licking frantically.
After that day, I realized I’d had enough. I didn’t understand why I didn’t have it in me to speak up. Why I couldn’t say the things I wanted to say to the people handing these candies that are potentially damaging to their developing brains? Nobody wants to be the overbearing, crazy mom, right? But I knew something was going to change.
I started by buying an organic bag of lollipops. Still a ton of sugar in those things, but at least there wasn’t the artificial food dyes. I put it in my purse and was armed with an alternative to the suckers they were handing out. I felt like at least I was doing something.
Meghan, of course, wanted to know what the difference was. 5-year-olds ask questions like this. So I told her. Those Dum Dums she’d been given were full of food dyes that were proven to be bad for our health and they could hurt her brain. I liked giving her candies that were naturally colored better.
After that, she didn’t look twice at the Dum Dum bin after a swimming or tennis lesson. Tim brought her to her swimming lesson one day and came home shocked: “What did you tell her about the suckers? She said she didn’t want one because they weren’t healthy for her.” And he didn’t even have an alternative to give her. She basically forgot about wanting a sucker at all and since then doesn’t ask for the organic lollipops.
I kick myself for waiting so long to just say no. I’m not sure what I was afraid of. My kids throwing a fit? (Wouldn’t be the first time.) Being judged by other moms? (I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time for that, either.) My kids feeling deprived? (Doesn’t every kid need a healthy dose of that once in a while?)
Slowly, I’m learning to say no. It’s okay to stand up for what I think is important in real life, not just hidden behind this blog. Why is it so much easier to publish it on the Internet than say it out loud? I don’t have to pressure anyone to make the same decisions for their kids that I do. I won’t judge you if you aren’t as afraid of artificial food dyes as I am. But I’m done being quiet about my kids getting candy or junk food that I don’t want them to have day after day. Sometimes, it’s my job to say no.
What do you think? Am I crazy or is the amount of candy offered to our kids outrageous? How do you handle it?
I’m pretty surprised at what you’re saying about sports. I have an 8 yr old daughter, 5 yr old son, and 3 yr old daughter. This summer we took gymnastics (and got stamps or stickers after every lesson), swim lessons (and got one Popsicle after completing 2 weeks of lessons), girl scout camp where they never took anything home but did eat lunch there, and T-ball where we got a snack only after games (always junk but not always sweet). I have never seen or heard of the amount of candy and treats your kids are getting. So yes, I would be shocked if my kids were getting the amount yours are. I think I’d probably not bat an eye at accepting it the first day then saying no after that (b/c honestly how many Dum-dums can we or do we need to squirrel away?) Good job saying no-talk to the coaches if it’s an on going class and tell them you don’t want your kids getting sweets. We had a Sunday school teacher that gave out 2-3 big pieces of candy every Sunday and one mom finally talked to him and he isn’t giving them out anymore. The kids don’t bat an eye at not getting it. They should not be getting that stuff, especially if it’s a sport that is supposed to be promoting healthy habits.
We never had a problem at gymnastics or dance–the “treats” were always stamps in those classes. This summer was a different story though!
Maybe the name of the sucker says it all Dum! Dum! or maybe we are the suckers!! These types of candies have been offered to my kids so many times that they don’t even want them anymore. It’s a shame that they are offered almost everywhere one goes with their kids. If you want to put a smile on a kiddos face, ask them about their day, or their favorite tv show, sports figure, etc. That is far more meaningful and a real “treat”! Kinds words last a lot longer. I agree…enough with the candy, fruit chews, fruit roll ups, sugar drinks, etc. Is sugar really the way to their heart?
Oh I so agree with you!! Our children are grown now but I had learned years ago how awful so much of the food we are offered is. Especially candy so I put together a bag of things that we called the “goodie bag” I filled it with small boxes of raisins, carob coated nuts, organic dye free suckers, homemade cookies made with raw organic honey and homemade carob candy. We always carried this leather bag with us when we went out and our children loved it and so did all of their friends.
Very smart! I think I’m heading in that direction. 🙂
I SO agree with you. I pretty much plan on raising my kids exactly like you do and calling you on the reg for help. But seriously…you’re just a great role models for mom’s everywhere. We need more people like you to stand up against things like this!!
Thanks, Alexis. It’s so much harder than I ever imagined it would be to keep my kids sheltered from the Standard American Diet!!
This is a great post, and kudos to you for staying true to yourself. I find it the most interesting that informed with knowledge about what she was eating, Meghan didn’t even want the lollipop anymore! It’s great you are teaching your kids why you feel the way you do, and you are empowering them to want to make healthy decisions, instead of forcing them to only eat certain foods. I am not a parent but I enjoyed this post and commend you for your efforts to feed your children real, good food in our crazy world!
Meghan surprises me-I don’t think I give her enough credit to make good choices. Now that she’s older, she understands so much more and I will definitely be giving her the opportunity more often to learn about foods and why we choose the foods for her and Luke that we do and to let her take part in the decisions, too.
This is such a frustrating problem for me on a few different levels. I am a mom that values teaching her kids about healthy food choices, moderation and healthy exercise. On a more serious level, my child suffers from life-threatening food allergies and is constantly being offered foods that could cause her serious harm. It makes me cringe to hear that snacks are being given to children without parent consent. She already has to feel different on a daily basis sitting at a peanut free table in the school lunch room. She has to hear me say that she can not have tree nuts, peanuts & nut oils on or near her food at every restaurant. I wish my kid could get a break from dodging food allergens…especially during a sporting activity.
I can’t even imagine how you and other moms with food allergies must feel. It’s awful that you have to worry about other people giving your daughter not just junk food, but food that can be deadly for her. It takes my frustrations to a whole new level!
Yes! This is so true, and so frustrating as a parent. I will add Sunday school and the school bus to the list of places where treats are given unnecessarily. I started saying no early on, so my boys are used to it. It actually helps now that our youngest has a food allergy, because we really do have to turn down most treats. If one can’t have it, I tell the other to pass as well. I’ve explained why they aren’t healthy options and at ages 6 and 8, they get it. Another observation is that kids don’t even see these things as special treats, because they are everywhere.
Ooh–Meghan just started riding the bus and as far as I know no treats have been given. I hope that doesn’t start! 🙁
Great post! And you’re not crazy! There is way too much emphasis put on food as a reward. It’s like a cultural norm that needs to go away because it often ends in negative, unintended consequences. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was great.
I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you aren’t
already 😉 Cheers!
Amen! I speak as someone who does not have children of her own yet, but I think we seriously underestimate our kids. If we gave them healthy foods to begin with (and modeled eating healthy foods for them) rather than assuming that they only want junk, I don’t believe we would have half the problem that we do.
In general, I think we offer far too much food too. It would be an improvement if the food were at least healthy, but allowing kids to fill up on snack food and never experience hunger probably explains why many parents so struggle to get their children to eat dinner!
I don’t have kids yet but I watch the amount of candy and sweets that my nephew and niece get bombarded with (and unfortunately allowed to have) and frankly I am shocked and appalled! I do not go near any of that stuff and will do everything possible to keep it out of my house even once little ones come along. As another reader said, thanks for bringing this out into the light and giving us some “food for thought!” – pun totally intended 🙂
P.S. How is your finger? Are you still following the anti-inflammatory diet? Would love an update on that!
The finger is doing great–thanks for asking! Update coming soon! 🙂
I buy the YumEarth organic lollipops. I definitely feel better about those. We have been pretty lucky here. Most of the incentives have been stickers, stamps, etc. However, Addie did tell me that her teacher gave them m&ms yesterday, so I guess they get them sometimes without us knowing.
That’s the brand I got, too. You’re lucky you haven’t had to deal with this as much!
Well said! We too get the DumDum’s after swim class, and have been offered Popsicles after gymnastics, etc., not to mention the gumball machine right next to the DumDum’s. Kaylee had never had a piece of gum in her 4 1/2 years until she saw one of the other kids get a piece and she wanted to try it. I did let her try it, hoping like most candy she wouldn’t like it. Lucky for me she wanted to spit it out by the time we got to the car. We do get the DumDum’s from time to time, but most are still sitting in my pantry uneaten. I’m more concerned about the sugar content and overall “junk” factor of the food than I am about the dyes, but I do understand the hype. I guess I’m just lucky in that Kaylee doesn’t like candy, but she does seem to share my love of cookies and cake! Moderation is the term we use often in our house. That’s what I hope to teach her now that she will continue into adulthood.
Yes, we talk about moderation, too. Even though I tend to make healthy treats, I try to stress that treats are treats and shouldn’t be eaten all the time. They haven’t asked for gum yet, thankfully!
P.S. The dyes are super scary to me. Especially because Tim suffers from attention problems and ate artificially colored fruit roll ups every day growing up!
You absolutely have the right to say NO. I say it all the time and probably give people a funny look when they offer my 2 year old candy, they treat him like a zoo animal and offer him everything. Sometimes I just laugh and tell them he doesn’t know what those things are and you don’t need to feed him for him to like you. I have even told his preschool he’s allergic to processed sugar so that they wouldn’t give him a cookie everyday after lunch.
Thanks for talking about this.
Ps what happened to handing out stickers?
Exactly! If you feel the need to give my kid something, give them a sticker!
Thanks for the confidence-boosting post. I have experienced the same situation after my 2-year-old’s gym class, for one example. And this is in Germany! Seriously, can’t I leave gym class without a waffle being shoved in my son’s face?
Wow–I guess it isn’t just a US problem.
I think it’s good for you to learn to say no. I think as a future parent that will be something that may be hard for me to speak up about but then again, I usually stick to what I believe, so hopefully it won’t be too much of a problem. I’ve always admired your parenting when it comes to health and feeding your kids. You’ve definitely inspired me over the last few years with ideas on what to do in my future when I’m in these same situations. Thanks for touching on this topic. Good Luck!
Thanks, Kelli!
My kids are offered sweet treat for everything too. Every haircut, trip to the pediatrician, trip through the bank drive-thru, etc. I don’t like it for so many reasons (health, stickiness/mess of eating on the go, and I don’t think they need a reward for acting like I expect them to act). I have never said no, because I feel like they otherwise eat pretty healthfully, and because I feel like the “offerer” would think I was over-the-top. But your article gives me the courage to say no when I feel like the treat is totally unnecessary.
I think the thing that bugs me the most (and I know your blog is health-related, so this is a little off topic), is just that the treats are just too much. When we were kids, you had a Valentine’s Day party and had a cupcake in the classroom (which I would be fine with). Now the kids have that, plus come home with a bag full of treats from their classmates, which is way too much junk for them to be eating (and makes the moms who just sent a store-bought Valentine feel crummy). And the treats for taking lessons, etc, boggle my mind- you just did something that was fun, and now you have to have a treat as a reward?
This is even farther off topic, but in our family, we eat at meals and snack times, and don’t carry little bags of crackers around everywhere we go. It drives me crazy when a friend’s kid is eating a snack while playing on the playground, and my kid then says how hungry he is and wishes I had brought a snack. Even when I politely decline, saying we just ate a snack at home/are headed home for lunch, the other well-meaning parent pulls granola bars, etc out of her bag for my child. There is nothing wrong with a kid feeling hunger and waiting for the next scheduled meal (obviously within reason).
Anyway, I enjoyed the post. Hope the new school year goes well for Meghan. Cute picture of her!
Thank you, Betsy!