When my four-year-old son Luke wants something, he wants it. He wants it and he wants it now. “No” is a hard word for him to hear. Anyone who’s ever witnessed Luke’s response to my answer no when he really wants something understands that he ranks up there with the best of the preschoolers. The boy has a voice and a face; yes, he’s a world-class actor and anyone would be convinced that the world is, indeed, about to end.
We are focused on teaching him to accept no with grace, but, to say the least, it’s a work in progress. Understanding that no means no is a difficult lesson for kids to learn, but as a parent, isn’t that my job?
I want my son to grow into a young man, who, because he wasn’t pacified every time he was disappointed or upset that he didn’t get something he wanted, can accept the answer no in all arenas of his life. It’s a life lesson, people, and one I think a few boys in the news lately may have missed when they were four, five, and six.
This is his adorably pathetic pouty face he tries before he realizes the answer really is no.
So when I do tell my son no and he throws a massive fit, I try to stick to my guns. I don’t give him what he wants because he’s crying, even though there are moments I want to more than anything. Moments when all the moms are looking at me and my face is burning and I feel like crying right along with my boy. Really, it would be so much easier to give him what he wants. That piercing cry, that loud scream: anything to make it stop!
Instead I am steadfast in my answer. Four year olds are not equipped for logic, so I don’t try to reason with him too much. In a moment of desperation, I might threaten him (No screen time for a week!), but I don’t give in.
I wait for the wave to pass, and, depending on the severity of his response, when possible, I insist we leave. It’s not always possible.
I’m the evil one who insists he wear sunscreen.
I understand this his temper tantrums are uncomfortable for everyone around, not just me. But please, for the love of God, don’t you try to get him to stop. Even though it may seem like I don’t, I’ve got this.
Two times inside of a month seemingly well-intentioned folks have stepped in during his outbursts thinking they could save the day (and perhaps the ears of everyone around). Now, if they would have tried to distract him with jokes or an activity to take his mind off what he wanted, I wouldn’t be writing this.
Instead, they bribed him with treats.
Don’t they see this is undermining my parenting, reinforcing his behavior, and teaching him the exact opposite of what I’m trying to get him to learn? Is peace and quiet more important that bringing up boys who are not rewarded for bad behavior?
The first time was at tennis camp. Luke’s session was first, and then we had an hour to wait while my seven-year-old daughter Meghan had her session. Luke wanted my phone, but I told him no. There were other boys his age also waiting, and they were all playing without devices; there was no reason he couldn’t play along with them. There’s plenty of green space to play where we go to tennis. I’d much rather him run and play with other boys than space out in front of a screen. There’s a time and place for that, but this day wasn’t it.
He cried, and cried, and cried. He even used phrases that sounded cute coming out of his four-year-old mouth: I’m just so disappointed! It took every ounce of willpower I have not to give him my phone to stop the madness.
After a lot of crying, he finally stopped. But as we were walking out, there was something else he wanted Who knows what it was—I can’t remember now. These events tend to blur together after a while. And again, when I said no, he wailed. The tennis coach approached us and said, “Ah, Luke, you’re having a bad day, aren’t you? Here, have a sucker. Take two.” He handed my son two brightly colored Dum-Dum suckers before I could even register what was happening. Yes, he stopped crying. I bit my tongue and forced a smile. I like the tennis coach and didn’t have the courage or energy to make a scene, but really, inside I was fuming.
The next instance was a few weeks later. Meghan started school and Luke and I were going to have a lunch date at Panera Bread. He loves Panera Bread and it should have been a fun afternoon. But when Luke asked if he could get a chocolate chip cookie and I said no, the fun ended. Crying ensued. It wasn’t his worst fit, for sure, but he wasn’t happy. The man behind the counter took one look at him crying on the floor and he said, “I have some broken chocolate chip cookies I can’t sell, can I give them to him?”
So let me get this straight. My son just asked for a cookie and I said no. But now he’s crying so I should give him the ones you are offering? Is that your logic? Maybe you didn’t hear him ask, so I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Through clenched teeth I responded, “No, thank you, I just told him he couldn’t have a cookie.”
The young guy looked at me like I was the worst mother in the world for denying my son a cookie. I didn’t feel the need to explain that the sugar-filled yogurt he was about to get was already more than enough sugar for the day, plus we have a one-treat-a-day rule and he’d be getting a homemade chocolate treat with his sister after dinner. Not that it was any of his business why I said no to the cookie. Just wait, young buck. You’ll get it, one day. Just. You. Wait.
Either way, this has got to stop. If my son is crying, please don’t feel like you or I have to do whatever it takes to make it stop. I get it. No one wants to hear it. Believe me, I don’t want to hear it. I wish there was a way to magically make it stop. But not at the expense of forming my son’s character.
Before you get all judge-y and think I’m some sort of overly strict mom who never says yes to anything, please know that I’m not. I firmly believe in the wise words, “Say yes when you can, no when you must.” My children hear yes more than no; I’m sure of that. But no is a necessary part of childhood and my kids have to learn how to deal with it. All kids need to learn this important life skill.
Parenting is hard work, but those well-intentioned people are making it harder. Luke is one tough kid and parenting him has challenged me in ways my pre-children self never could have imagined. But I’m trying. I promise you, I’m giving it my all. Please, let me keep doing it in the best way I know how and if his crying is bothering you, get some earplugs. Don’t offer him candy or cookies to shut him up.
I love this. Encourages me to continue what im doing. I just believe that in the long run, i am responsible for his well being. This time of tantrums will pass, but i have to go out in public. I just wish people would put themselves in my shoes. But if not, i dont care about the disapproving looks. I will probably never see them again.
Im a big believer in no refined sugar while his brain is developing. Some people including family members/husband think i am the worst mother ever. My son loves his fruit. He is not deprived. Everything that is produced as edible, is not good for you, even if it tastes good. People should be more conscious about what they put in their body and leave my son’s intake to me.
I love this. Especially, as you mention, we have been hearing a lot in the news lately about young men behaving particularly badly. And often, as in the case of Brock Turner, for example, you hear his father and mother not helping these boys take responsibility for their actions, and judges worrying about their bright futures but not about the victims. I can’t help but think that accepting that no means no, not always getting what you want, and learning to behave with grace starts with not always giving our kids want they want. It is a healthy thing to hear no, and to learn how to accept disappointments and move on from them. Every time we pacify them and try to stop them from experiencing the pain of loss/denial, we are short changing them. We are not allowing them to grow into a bigger, better person with emotional self-control and regulation.
I love a parenting guru called Dr. Laura Markham and her AHa Parenting website because she talks about peaceful parenting but not permissive parenting. So in the case of saying no, you set the boundary firmly, but you enpathisize with their feelings about that boundary. So it would be “I hear you, you really wish you could have a cookie right now. The rule is we do one treat a day, and that will be tonight at dinner.” You continue to let the child be sad/mad/frustrated but hold that boundary. Eventually they do accept it. They learn you mean what you say and they learn to accept no more gracefully in time. They also learn that their feelings of disappointment are ok too.
I say good job mama trying to raise healthy respectful kids. I have s boy and girl about the same age as your kids and my aim is to do the same.
Thank you, Gwen! And thanks for mentioning the Aha Parenting website; I’ll definitely check that out!
Glad you stuck up for yourself, mama. I have a 3.5 year old and I would have done the same thing. It annoys me to no end when we are out and about and people offer my son treats. I think the time that took the cake (literally!) was when we were at a Mexican restaurant and my son was about 1.5 years old. The table next to us was celebrating a birthday, and a woman came over to our table and offered a bite of cake (on a fork! Ready to go!) to my toddler without even asking me! Of course he gobbled it down and I smiled politely.
What?! That is insane!!
I appreciate your post. I hate people offering candy or other treats to my children. I know that they are trying to be kind, but my younger son has food allergies and I hate his being offered something that is not safe for him to eat. Then I look like a bad mom for saying “No, thank you” and my son is disappointed about not getting candy that he wasn’t even thinking about previously!
I also hate children being rewarded by sweets for doing things they should do anyway, like turn in their homework at school.
That’s a whole different issue! I’m so thankful my daughter’s school has a no treats policy. Teachers are not allowed to give out treats as a reward and when they do give out treats for special occasions, we get a letter home ahead of time. It’s very nice!
I 100% agree with your post. I also appreciate you writing this and sharing your experiences and explanations as to why it doesn’t help.
Thanks for your comment, Kelli. 🙂
Amen! Thank you for writing what I often think about it my head. Keep doing what you know works for your family. I believe in teaching to accept no with grace. We are struggling with accepting no without physical retribution to a parent at the moment. It’s a process filled with many ups and downs. We all need to support each other and hold space for an upset child instead of trying to make it all go away.
I just found your blog accidentally through Pinterest and I love it!
I totally agree with you and i’m a similar type parents as well. A lot of our friends think that i’m too strict but kids need discipline and not get whatever they desire that second. I strongly believe that my oldest benefited from this approach and at 6 years old she is very patient, well mannered and understanding. It pays off!
I hope it pays off with my Luke. My oldest, who is 7, never really threw temper tantrums, so this is new territory for me. Thanks for your support!
I completely agree with this post! A few years ago (okay, maybe more than a few… I was a teenager at the time, anyways!) I was attending a wedding or similar event and there was a child, maybe 5 years old, started to get fussy a few feet in front of me. Every time she would cry/whimper a bit, her mom would grab a candy and give her one. She’d be quiet for a few seconds while she ate her candy, then sure enough she would start her fussing again (and surprise, surprise… another candy!). All I could think about was how the parents were just reinforcing this bad behaviour, ie: complain then get candy. I would not like to find out what happened to that girl when she grew up a few years later!
On one hand, I understand that maybe the parents wanted to watch the wedding/whatever and not have to leave when their child got fussy… but since the Mom had clearly already packed the candies, I’m guessing it was a common occurrence! Could you leave when your child starts to get squeamish/pulls out a full-on fit? Of course you can… but I don’t think you should feel like you have to just because your child is crying. I would just apologize to the people around me for the noise disturbance but hold my ground until the fit ended (which sounds like what you have been doing 🙂
Now of course, I’m a brand new Mommy so I haven’t had toddlers yet and maybe I’m not wise enough? But I’ve already gotten a disgruntled “oh my goodness” once when my baby started to cry in a waiting room. Umm… he was only a month old… sorry babies cry!
Well it sounds like you have great instincts! It doesn’t get any easier, that’s for sure. 🙂 Thanks for your comment.
well, shucks, they were just trying to help, trying to lighten the tone the best way they knew how.
I know they were meaning well, but I think it’s inappropriate to reward any child for throwing a fit because a parent said no.
My point is that there is no need to try to help and it definitely hurts my parenting efforts.
I agree completely with you. I myself was raised to accept the word no. Even if my dad could afford it it didn’t mean I needed it. Growing up and learning that lesson has built me into the man I am today. And I plan on raising my children. The same way. Teaching necessity over a want is definitely a great skill and lesson to teach your kids.
Thanks for your comment, Jeremiah. Great point–just because you can afford something doesn’t mean you need it!
I admire and commend you for sticking to your guns….wished I’d been better at it myself …that being said, if you’re making everyone else’s shopping or dining experience unpleasant, it’s time to go home!! Do we all need to practice more patience? Indeed we do! Do you need to choose common courtesy over winning your battles in public? Yes you do…good luck and keep up the good work!
I agree with you! As I said in the post, when it’s possible and depending on the severity of the situation, I insist we leave. Many times we’ve had to leave public places. Sometimes, like at tennis camp, it would mean having to pull my daughter from her lesson. I chose to not do that. At Panera Bread, he was done with his fit before I even finished placing our order. Thankfully, he didn’t hear the offer of the worker. And I also want to mention this isn’t about “winning” a battle with my child. I don’t want to win, but I do want him to learn that sometimes I have to say no to his requests and he can’t throw a fit to get me to change my mind. Sorry, that wording just got me a little. Thank you for your comment. 🙂